Sometimes the ONLY way to be PRO-LIFE is to be PRO-CHOICE. Since Roe v. Wade was overturned there has been a lot of confusion about what that means and the politicians are deciding where they draw the line in the sand, and what side of that line they are on. I live in Michigan and will therefore focus on the candidates here -- Tudor Dixon and Paul Junge.
When an interviewer asked whether Dixon believes in any exemptions for abortions for rape or incest she replied that she didn't. When pressed about the life of the mother she replied "No exceptions." I am that "exception" that she will not allow. My daughter was born sleeping at 19 weeks and 2 days gestation. She had a heartbeat when I arrived at the hospital that morning. To be clear -- there was NO possible way for her to survive without me -- and yet, Dixon, Junge and others like them would have had 2 deaths that day instead of 1. Did you know that if a woman on death row is pregnant her execution is delayed until the child is able to live separate from her? How then can we not offer the same consideration to half the population that we guarantee to an unborn baby without hesitation? If my child is doomed to die, why must I die with it? What good would have come from my death? How are 2 deaths better than 1? How is it better for my husband to grieve his child AND his wife? My parents to grieve their child along with their grandchild? When I lost my daughter I didn't have to worry that the doctors wouldn't care for me. I had the choice to live, it was my right and guaranteed that the medical staff would do everything in their power to save my life. At the time I never considered the gravity of that right -- until it was taken away. When my pr3egnancy developed serious complications by husband and I had a serious talk about the possible outcomes. He was concerned with losing me and I made him a promise, that I wouldn't risk my life for the life of our child. If not for the rights guaranteed by Roe v Wade I wouldn't have been able to make that promise -- and I surely wouldn't have been able to keep it. If my doctors had been too afraid or legally unable to help me -- I likely wouldn't be here today. Nor would my son. I wouldn't have been here for my family, my husband, my friends, my co-workers, my clients, and those I have helped through Precious Reflections Infant Loss support group. How many lives would be worse off for the loss of mine? I take this choice very personally because it is very personal for me. When anyone says that they do not believe in exceptions for the life of the mother they are talking about me! My hope is that you will take some time and think about it before you vote next month.
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Just before Halloween of 2015, during our second round of Letrazol, we conceived! We found out mid-November. We were cautiously optimistic. We told our families at Thanksgiving. We made it to 8 weeks, and then beyond. In early January an ultrasound with the maternal fetal medicine specialist showed a healthy baby and — of great concern to me — a healthy placenta with no telltale dark spots like Hope's had shown. Our little baby was full out jumping for joy right there on the screen, though at 11 weeks I couldn't feel it yet.
Our dream was coming true. For once I was having a "normal" pregnancy. (Or normal for me.) I still have Thyroid issues, low TSH, normal range other levels. At 16 weeks we found out we were having a boy! I failed my 1-hr glucose test, but passed the 3-hr. I loved watching my belly grow! For the first time in my life I was happy and proud of my body and my figure. We registered for baby items. We had a baby shower. And for almost 9 months I puked my guts out. "Sick mommy, healthy baby," was my mantra. I got really anxious after 30 weeks. Not for the normal reasons of anticipating delivery and labor, but because I have so many friends who had lost their angels after 30 weeks. I knew he wasn't "safe" yet. At 31.5 weeks I started contracting. I was put on medicine to help calm the contractions, but they never stopped. At 33 weeks I was put on bed rest to make sure that I made it to 34 weeks. I made 34 weeks, then 35. At 36 weeks I stopped taking medicine and was up and moving around more. At 37 weeks, our little man was done waiting, and I was happy to be done contracting! Corbin Ian was born at 4:44am on July 4th, on the 4th floor of the hospital at 37 weeks gestation. I had been at the hospital 4 hours. We call his delivery fast and furious. I went from 3 cm to 5/6 cm an hour and a half later. We got moved to a delivery room and I used the jetted tub. It helped me relax and when I got out of it I was at 8 cm. The last two went really quickly but my water didn't break till 9.5 cm. When it did there was meconium in the fluid. Then it was hurry up and push him out or head to a c-section. His head was stuck in my pelvis and had a vacuum attached, still didn't move. I got an episiotomy, still didn't move. One last try, then we were heading to the OR. I was determined to do it for my son. The sound of his cry was the most amazing thing I have ever heard in my life. To this day his little cry makes me smile even as I work to satisfy the cause of it. His first day Corbin had issues keeping his glucose levels up. He ended up being force fed formula and having heel pricks every couple hours. This combined with a weak suck/latch/seal was enough to sabotage my milk supply. I tried everything the lactation consultant told me, but never made it past 2 oz for the entire day's total. Corbin went through speech therapy and is feeding from a bottle like a champ. I gave up breastfeeding as the pumping schedule was making life stressful and was impossible to maintain. I enjoyed my last week and a half home with my son before returning to work. I had been off of work from 33 weeks until 8 weeks post delivery. I had long since run through my vacation time before he was even born. Fortunately we have wonderfully supportive families that helped us make it through. The maternity/family leave situation in this country is deplorable. But, that is a topic for another blog post. It was so hard to believe, so hard to trust this pregnancy to go the distance. And yet, it did. We have a beautiful son! We are living proof that even after multiple losses, so much heartache, a rainbow can come. My son is such a balm to my soul, and I love being his mum-ma. I still miss my babies, I think of them daily, I compare his features to Hope's, and I think that I should already know everything I am learning for the first time, everything I didn't get to experience with his sister. As I get to them I will post pictures from Corbin's pregnancy and his baby pictures in the Gallery! After spending almost all of 2014 going to see various doctors and trying to track down what has been causing me to lose my babies, we came away with a sense of where to go if not the reason we had been looking for.
In April I saw a new OB. He came highly recommended from a friend who had been through two complicated and difficult pregnancies including bed rest and preemie deliveries. He had seen her though, perhaps he would have some advice for me. My hubby and I instantly liked his dry humor and honest approach. He freely admitted he didn't have all the answers. We discussed the various plans for moving forward and he wanted us to consult with our MFM again to make sure he was on board. Ultimately we came up with the plan to try shotgunning ovulation to get a better luteal phase to hopefully have more energy for implantation. To do progesterone after ovulation and through at least 13 weeks. To go on the hydroxychloroquin (Plaquenil) instead of aspirin as suggested by one of the doctors at U of M. And most importantly to have complete pelvic rest, so that the progesterone would be oral, to eliminate any risk of infection. We may also periodically treat me for infections even if there are no visible symptoms. I spent 4 months fighting off an infection and when we were finally green lighted we started the Letrozole (newer drug like Clomid). At my ovulation ultrasound check found that I had two follicles developing on the right, none on the left, and something in the center that shouldn't be there. Probably a polyp. So we were red lighted again. I was scheduled for an SIS (saline infused sonohysterogram) which revealed not one but 2 polyps. It was looking like another D & C was on the horizon. Due to the size of the polyps my new doctor recommended using the "pac man" machine to remove them for more precise treatment and quicker recovery. There was a very low chance of there being any cancer, so I agreed to the procedure. I stressed out over it, but on surgery day everything went smoothly. I spent two days at home and then was back to work. About a week later I received a voicemail that the pathology results were in. Back to stressing out till I could call back the next day. When I finally got the call back from my doctor, after stressing most of the day, his first words were, "Well you don't do anything simple do you." Great. Turns out I have "endometrial hyperplasia mixed simple and complex without atypia." What that means is my low progesterone level allows my uterine lining to overgrow and not shed enough, it does this simply all over, and complexly forming irregularities like polyps. The good news is the "without atypia" which means no cancer! So I of course start Googling... And what I find is that not only is this condition linked to low progesterone/estrogen dominance, but also thyroid issues (really glad I decided not to have surgery), and causes implantation problems due to the thickness of the lining. The good news is the treatment is already part of my plan. Progesterone. So I was once again given the green light. We just completed the first cycle. Hopefully I get pregnant within 3 or I have to have another SIS to make sure that they didn't miss anything or that it hasn't started regrowing. I have no doubt in my mind reading all the symptoms of this condition that I have been dealing with this since my first husband died. This is the cause of all my losses. I now pray that the treatment works, that my lining shrinks, and that I do not end up needing a hysterectomy. Symptoms include: migraine, heavy periods, clots, mid cycle spotting, shortened cycle length, ovarian cysts, painful periods, breast pain, weight gain, infertility, miscarriage, fibroids, thyroid dysfunction, low body temperature, fatigue, acne, dry skin, brittle nails, anxiety, foggy thinking, joint pain, and even allergy symptoms. For more on these conditions, see the links below. 37. Yesterday I turned 37. Four years ago when my husband and I started this journey toward parenthood I could never have guessed I would end up here. Two years ago I said this is where I didn't want to be. 37, and still trying for my first child...
Here is what has been going on since October: On Thanksgiving we conceived our 5th child. I was over the moon when we found out in early December and truly believed this time we would get our take home baby. 5 is my lucky number. We had everything sorted out after Hope there was no more polyp, no reason this one shouldn't go the distance. I called and got in at my ob a couple days later. Scheduled for an ultrasound two weeks later. Started taking baby aspirin and continued on Progesterone suppositories. We started calling it Turkey as we knew exactly when it was conceived. On Christmas Eve morning I was in the shower getting ready for work and had the thought that how would I know if I was miscarrying because of the Progesterone. I got out of the shower and did a pee test and it was faint, much fainter than it should have been. I tried not to worry and chalked it up to multiple pees throughout the night and morning. I would do another test whenever I got up for my early pee the next day. Cue the 3 am pee the next morning and I couldn't really even see the line. I started freaking out and then noticed the smallest amount of pink on the toilet paper when I wiped. Oh no, not again. I called the on call number for my doctors office and talked to my ob. Decided to go into the hospital lab to have a quant hcg drawn. When we got the results a couple days later it confirmed what I already knew. A level of 4, a negative result, we had lost baby #5 on Christmas Day at 5 weeks 2 days. My mom and I did a lot of research after that, found a few books and learned about a whole lot of other things that might be problems. I went back to see my ob who was basically like bad luck keep trying. I brought up each thing I had researched and was basically told "no proof that has anything to do with it" or "you don't have that and even if you did there isn't a treatment". I did manage to get one blood test for some inherited thrombosis and a referral to an RE. Blood work came back negative. But I had my thyroid levels run with the last pregnancy. Again low TSH (tho not as low as usual) and normal Free T-3 and Free T-4. I scheduled appointments with two REs one local and one at U of M in Ann Arbor. The local doctor wanted to take my eggs and hubbys sperm, make embryos and do pre-genetic diagnosis to make sure the best ones were used and re-implant them... preferably into a surrogate. We did get the Counsyl panel of testing done that day. The U of M RE wanted to run some more tests and help us find out if there was something else going on. Also, wanted me to see an Endocrinologist for my thyroid. The tests at U of M all came back normal. The Counsyl tests revealed that I was a carrier for a disease that didn't matter because hubby wasn't but we BOTH had the same two mutations for two other issues. The first one is hemochromatosis - basically too much iron in your blood. The other is MTHFR. We both are heterozygous for the A1298C mutation (also known as E429A). The MTHFR mutations have to do with processing Folic Acid (the synthetic version of Folate - B9) and the involvement in the methylation cycle. A lot of people with MTHFR mutations have issues with their thyroid too. I had seen MTHFR mentioned in my reading, but didn't know what it was. The Counsyl counselor said that it had to do with Folic Acid and Neural Tube Defects (NTDs) which immediately struck a chord with me as I had just read in my file that my 12 week testing showed that Hope had a 1in 10 chance of an NTD. She didn't have one (that we know of as there was no autopsy or testing on her). Everyone seems to think that if you are heterozygous it doesn't matter, and especially if you are A1298C heterozygous, that there is no problem. As recently as early 2014 that is still being said with this caveat: it doesn't seem to be a problem unless there is something else going on - another mutation or some other problem. I began wondering what the other problem or problems might be. There also seems to be a greater risk if both parents have MTHFR mutations. A recent study shows greater chance for NTD if the baby has the mutation vs. the mother having it. I went to see the Endocrinologist in Ann Arbor. We really liked this doctor and after listening to everything and doing a pretty complete exam, sent me to get an ultrasound of my thyroid and some more blood drawn to retest for some antibodies. The blood test came back negative, but the ultrasound showed nodules in my thyroid. Aha! Finally something concrete. I underwent a thyroid scan and uptake test with two scans 24 hours apart and found out that at least one nodule is producing thyroid hormone and another one is likely doing it too. I have multiple types of nodules some are solid and some fluid. I was given the options of:
I also around this time had another hysteroscopy to see if there was anything wrong with the inside of my uterus. This time I was awake and watched the entire process and saw the inside on a monitor. It was very surreal but the doctor said it was beautiful and perfect and nothing was wrong. So at least that part is in working order! My tests for my FSH, Estradiol and AMH all came back good so I was less worried about the ticking clock. I had a surgical consult about my thyroid and have done a lot of research about my options. I signed up for the Thyroid Summit this spring and watched a lot of the presentations where I discovered the impact of iodine on the entire body. My mom ran with that and in her research came across a woman whose test results were just like mine and who after having half her thyroid removed at 19, went on to have her symptoms recur and found out she was iodine deficient. She worked to become iodine sufficient and her nodules went away, her thyroid began producing again and she has continued to have normal labs for 3 years. So we began researching iodine deficiency and once again it fits my issues. My current theory is that if I am iodine deficient, that caused my nodules in my thyroid, which is causing me to have excess thyroid hormone in my body. Excess thyroid hormone chews through vitamins and minerals in your body. The MTHFR coupled with years of birth control pills and then compounded by taking the wrong supplements in my prenatal vitamins led to my body already being nutritionally challenged. Add the thyroid hormones eating up what little I consumed and I didn't have enough in my body to nourish myself let alone build and nourish a baby. I am currently awaiting getting an iodine loading urine test to find out if I am iodine deficient. If I am, I want to become sufficient and see if that has an impact on my labs. Best case would be a fixed normal functioning thyroid and a baby ready body. If not... surgery. In the meantime, we have begun taking some supplements. We slowly worked our way up to 1mg (1000mcg) a day of Methylfolate, and have been taking Methylcobalamin (active B12), 5-P-5 (active B6), Riboflavin (B2), a whole foods vitamin C, baby aspirin, and probiotics each day. I am also on Ferrous Sulfate (Iron) pills for my anemia. We have noticed some improvements in our energy levels, thicker hair and clearing up of eczema. We are trying to be more active but haven't been back to walking as regularly as I would have hoped. Last month I went mountain bike riding on the trails for the first time in my life. I have gone a few times now and even bought my first bike helmet. I believe the supplements and the probiotics are helping with my weight loss too. I am finally down to my pre baby weight and still loosing at about a pound a week. I have also been tracking using an app on my smartphone which has helped me be more aware of what I am putting in my mouth! We are trying to be more healthy and watching the labels on our foods. There are so many bad filler additives in our foods that it is difficult to eat healthy. MTHFR means watching out for enriched flour in foods as well as that has Folic Acid we don't process efficiently. My mom is even grinding her own grain and making her own bread. So I am 37 and I am kind-of exactly where I didn't want to be... but maybe just a little bit closer to having a child of my own, and definitely on the road to a healthier me. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And today, October 15th, is the day devoted to recognizing and remembering those precious lives cut short far too soon. So for the last few weeks I've been collecting some information on keepsakes and remembrances for our little ones. I recently ordered some bracelets from the SOBB website. I found it on the Mom of an Angel Facebook page. They offer memorial bracelets (like the Livestrong ones) in Mom, Dad, Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Sister, Cousin, Godparent, and Friend of an Angel. I surprised my hubby with a Dad one and plan to give some as gifts for Christmas to the rest of the family and some friends. They have other items too and I ordered a" Mom of an Angel" vehicle window sticker. The Patchwork Bear takes your keepsake items (clothing, blankets etc.) and transforms them into a stuffed bear to remember your little one with. I am considering sending some things that remind me of Hope to have made into a bear to put in the nursery for a future child. I have nothing that she ever wore and the only thing she touched is a small bracelet. If I do, I will post about it. You can read more about it on the blog where I found it HERE or at their website by clicking the button below. I came across a neat list of things to do in remembrance of your angel. You can read the complete list HERE. The first one is "Mementos." I have several necklaces and some charms on my charm bracelet that remind me of Hope and I feel closer to her when I wear them. My husband and I also plan to do #3 which is to get a tattoo. I am trying to decide if I prefer the inside of my right wrist (always right with me in everything I do) or the top of my foot (walking with me every step of the way). Last Friday night I attended a close friend's bachelorette party. There was a chalkboard on the wall near the bathrooms and another friend had written on it. Later it dawned on me that I could "tag" Hope and leave a little mark of her existence like people do on the beach. It made me smile to leave that there. I think I am going to continue to "tag" her name and take photos and then it is like she is everywhere I have been. (It's #6 on the list above.) When I finish processing Hope's pictures I plan to make a photo book about my time with her. What are some things you have done or are planning to do in memory of your little angel? In other news... I FINALLY broke the weight barrier! I have lost a pound! The day after Hope's due date I had finally stopped gaining and actually lost a few ounces. The following weekend I had lost a full pound. I don't know if it is coincidence, or if there really is something to hormones and my body still thinking it was trying to prep for a baby. Also, had my thyroid retested and it came back the same as always, TSH a little low and T-4 normal.
Really busy trying to get the house in order for our annual Halloween party along with all the crazy busy happenings for weddings and our photography business. I am really excited that we have bamboo floor in the garage waiting to be installed in the nursery! It is going to be another month till we have time to install it. I've been having nightmares that it is the wrong color! I hope everyone is well and if you post your little one's name I will say a special prayer for him/her. To all you mommies of angels, I know what you are going through and would take it from you if I could. Hugs to you all! Four months. Seems like just yesterday I was sick and puking my guts out. As miserable as I was, I would take it back in a heartbeat. I'm supposed to be in my final weeks. Instead I am preparing to start over.I've been listening to Bon Jovi "Keep the Faith" in the car. Several of the songs are striking a chord with me right now. It's a great album.Walked over 8 miles this past weekend and saw 6 garter snakes (almost stepped on 2 of them). My body was less than thrilled on Monday and then I went to bellydance. Only did two more miles during the week so we are back on speaking terms. :-)Super busy quarter time at work which means long hours. Been doing around 50 hours a week and this weekend is our "power" weekend so I will be working all day Saturday (after our morning hike, of course).Anxiously awaiting my next period so we can start trying again. Actually had two positive ovulation tests this week and around a normal time so I just might be returning to a 28 day cycle! It's been years. Here's hoping.Happy 4 months, Hope. We love you!
On August 30th I had my followup for my surgery. Everything is fine. No polyp. All my labs came back normal. Nothing to stop us from moving forward. I also said goodbye to my doctor. She was leaving the practice and moving to another state. I think she will miss us as much as we will miss her. She has been through all of my miscarriages and she delivered Hope. I know all of the doctors at the practice and will be OK seeing them, and trust everyone there to take care of me, but it's sad none-the-less.
I also that day finally called on some insurance questions I had about billing for my first postpartum appointment. Well, I finally heard back on Tuesday and we got everything straightened out, but not before I heard the worst phrase ever. That appointment wasn't a postpartum appointment. It was an appointment for my doctor to discuss my history as a "recurrent aborter." Even typing those words now makes me angry. When I heard them on Tuesday I almost started crying. What a horrible phrase. It makes it sound like I am a hussy who gets pregnant because of not taking precautions and then uses abortions for birth control. I know it is a medical term and diagnosis for someone who has repeated losses. I just think it plain sucks. I want to change this phrase. There is no reason for it to be used, no reason the word "loss" can't replace it. At the very least, no person in the medical profession, whether a nurse, doctor or just in billing, should EVER say it to a woman who has suffered multiple losses. It was a stab in my heart and in my gut. It was a major setback on my road to recovery. It brings back all the guilt I felt for the things I should have or could have done differently with my pregnancy with Hope. It makes me feel like it is my fault. My new mission is that no other woman out there ever be called a "recurrent aborter" ever again. Meanwhile, my weight has continued to creep upwards even as we are exercising and walking. I now weigh 10 lbs more than when I had Hope, almost 4 lbs more than my pre-pregnancy weight. I am trying to stay positive, but it is difficult to keep up with the walking and exercising when I see the scale keep climbing. On the other side, the walking is making a great improvement in my general health and stamina. I am jogging/running more and more and my pace for a mile is now down to around 14 minutes. I still get winded but it is getting better. My husband and I have been trying out different apps on our phone for tracking our walking both at the park and in the woods. I like the features of Runtastic, but it's GPS tracking isn't that accurate, especially in the woods. I've been using MapMyFitness which is more accurate, but doesn't have some of the features I like. Husband tried Enmodo but didn't like that one very well. Have any of you used GPS tracking apps or other fitness tracking devices? What do you like? Last bit... We are due to start trying to conceive again at the end of the month. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I can't wait to be pregnant again and hope and pray that this time it all goes well. At the same time I am terrified that there is some other reason for my losses. I have a hard time believing it was all just bad luck. Also, the timing is a bit strange for me. Hope's due date is approaching. October 4, 2013. I could possibly conceive before her due date. What's more, one of our best friends is getting married on that day and hubby is in the wedding and we are doing the pictures. I don't know whether I welcome the distraction or if I am going to be a total wreck that day. Probably a little of each. Hope to be able to update more often, but we are on overtime as the quarter started and I'm working around 50 hours a week. At the very least, I know I'll be posting around the 4th. <3 Labor Day weekend we went kayaking! It is something we had been talking about doing for a while. Our friends went the weekend before, but I wasn't sure I would be up to it one week after my surgery. So after hubby rolled his ankle (for the second time) on our 5 mile hike in the woods, I was thinking this was the perfect activity that didn't require too much footwork.
Hubby owns his own kayak having done all sorts of outdoor activities growing up that I had never done. He's a boyscout. I had been in his kayak last summer on the lake when we went camping and got the hang of it really quickly. This was my first actual kayaking trip and we were going upriver... in current... I was a little apprehensive. When we got down to the dock there was this really cool docking station for getting in and out with your kayak. We found out from some guys on the river there is another one upstream a ways. For the most part the river was pretty calm. It was a constant workout but nothing too rough. There were only a couple areas where I really had to work it. We didn't make it to our original goal of going up to the nature center, taking a break and then going back downriver. We did go 2 miles upriver and then I had to cede to the river. I just couldn't paddle anymore. We then got to enjoy the easy float back downriver the same 2 miles. I'm an advocate of downriver! We saw a good amount of dragonflies on the river and for a good part had one taking turns riding on the front of our kayaks. We joked he was our mascot for the day. We both came away with a couple of blisters and decided we need to get some fingerless gloves so we can do this more often. I really want to get a kayak of my own, and my brother-in-law might sell us his. Blister is better, still have a few bruises, but love being out on the water! So for the last few weeks we have been getting up in the mornings to walk. I have NEVER been a "morning person" -- always having the inspiration but lacking the motivation to get moving in the morning. Now I feel energized when we get up and go.
I wish we could walk in the forest every day, but it is a good 15 minutes away from home and would require an even larger sacrifice of sleep than I am willing to part with at this time. So, we walk in the forest on either Saturday or Sunday, and the rest of the week we go to the park that is just around the corner. We usually do about a mile in the mornings before I go to work and between 3 and 5 miles on the weekend. I've set myself a weekly goal of 8 miles and so far have only missed it twice (and once was the week of surgery). See, it all started when we did a group 5k walk on July 20th. We didn't do any training and I figured, 3 miles, that's no big deal. The gals from our support group set a pretty quick pace and we managed to keep up with them pretty well. Our official time was around 53/54 minutes. A bit more than a 17.5 minute mile. Well after the walk we went to the farmer's market and by the time we headed home it was still earlier than we normally get up on a Saturday. That is when we decided to start walking. What started out as a Saturday thing, pretty soon became a 5-6 days a week thing. On the days we don't walk we do exercises at home. On this particular day we went on the last path we had yet to try, a 5 mile path that had many twists and turns and ups and downs. We were exhausted by the end but very satisfied that we had done it. This was the first time we had walked that far in one go. We saw two snakes, a chipmunk, and several frogs. All in all, it was a pretty magical day. So surgery went well. Much to our surprise, my doctor's too, there was no polyp. It was gone. Did the d & c anyway. Hopefully now my uterus will be good and next time I'm pregnant there won't be any issues.
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Holly Crews
The mother of five angel babies, and one rainbow baby. I have had four miscarriages, an SCH (sub chorionic hemorrhage), pProm (pre-term premature rupture of membranes), and a pre-term still birth. Archives
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