My name is Holly Crews. I am a Warrior Mama.
First, some history... I married my high school sweetheart when I was 24. At 29 I was widowed when he died of cancer - brain tumor - a few days after our 5th anniversary. I had known it was a possibility, he had already had it once back in college, we thought he had beaten it and I married him anyway. Anything for love...
Not long after that I began to spend more time with a good friend. We discovered we had a lot in common and I began to fall in love again. It helped that he had known my first husband as well. He helped me through my grief. At 31 I got married for the second time. I wore a red dress. Quite the scandal. |
Sixteen months into my second marriage we decided to start a family. We had been talking about it for a while and the timing never seemed right. We wanted to take our trip to Ireland for our honeymoon before having kids. So we went to Ireland and threw caution to the wind, wouldn't it be a great story to tell if we conceived there? But, alas, we didn't. In fact we didn't conceive for quite a while. I had been having issues with my cycle and breakthrough bleeding and had been referred to a new doctor to have some testing done. I found out I had an ovarian cyst and possibly some thickening in part of the lining of my uterus. The cyst resolved itself and I was trying to schedule a
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followup ultrasound when I fell pregnant the first time!
It took nine months of trying and temp taking and charting, but in August of 2011 I was finally pregnant. I was on top of the world. We were so excited and just wanted to tell everyone. We were going camping with my brother-in-law and his pregnant wife and their daughter. We broke and told them the first morning after breakfast. When we got back we told our parents. The following week I told two of my best friends. Then at six and a half weeks I lost my first baby. (see more below) |
I had been having some aches and nausea and didn't think anything of it. I had read about ligaments stretching and figured that was it. Then I started spotting. First it was just a little the day after sex and I had read that was normal. Then it turned into mild cramping and spotting and I called my doctor's office. I was told to rest and that if the pain had me curled in fetal position or the spotting turned to bleeding to go to the ER. A couple days later it did.
I had to call my mom to take me as my husband was out of town on business. The ultrasound was inconclusive (couldn't see anything) and I was sent home. My mom stayed the night with me and the next afternoon I passed some tissue. I called the doctor's answering service and was given instructions to save it and call the following morning to be seen. I felt so numb and empty. I knew then that I had lost the baby. My mom stayed with me until my husband came home and then left quietly so I could tell him. Blood tests confirmed my suspicions and a couple weeks later my levels were back to negative. We started doing some testing to make sure I didn't have a clotting issue or something else simple. Everything came back fine. |
Meanwhile I had also been having testing to try and track down why my thyroid TSH levels constantly came back low. After a second loss the following March, this time at 4.5 weeks, I was referred to a Maternal Fetal Specialist. We had a consultation and discussed options. We decided to try one more time and this time use added progesterone after a positive test as my levels might have been a bit low. We decided to hold off on chromosomal testing or seeing a fertility specialist as I was able to conceive.
The Maternal Fetal Specialist also consulted an endocrinologist on my thyroid issue and I was finally given a diagnosis of "sub-clinical hyperthyroidism." Which means my TSH comes back low but the disease isn't presenting and therefor no treatment is needed. Both doctors agreed it wasn't a contributing factor to my miscarriages. In August of 2012 I thought I might be pregnant again. I couldn't confirm by urine tests as the line was so faint as to be hard to detect so I called my doctor and got a blood test. I was started on progesterone just in case. Two days later I received a call, my levels were at 15 so there was definitely something there. That same day I started spotting and at my next draw my level was at 0. |
After this loss, we decided to go ahead with the chromosomal testing and I was switched to doing progesterone after ovulation each month. The testing came back normal. Over the holiday I gave up tracking as much and stopped trying to time everything out. I also decided to try a new supplement to help with implantation. I only took half dosage, but I ovulated early and this time when I took my test it was positive. Very positive. It was the darkest positive line I had ever had.
I continued with my progesterone doses and saw my doctor who was so excited for me. I got blood drawn and when the results came back they were high. Either I was having twins or I was farther along than we thought. My doctor immediately scheduled an ultrasound and the baby was measuring 6w3d. Five days ahead of me! We got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat and we were so excited. We had never gotten to see any of our other babies. But all was not good news. The tech found a uterine polyp. My doctor felt horrible. She didn't know if it would affect the pregnancy. She didn't understand how it was missed. I started to remember that "thickening" we were supposed to check out after my cyst. But didn't because I was pregnant. So we were going to keep an eye on it. |
Everything was great for about two weeks and then one night I couldn't get comfortable to go to sleep. I got up to pee a couple times and then the discomfort turned to pain and bleeding. So much bleeding that I said we had better go to the er.
At the er I was examined (a very messy prospect) and then had blood and urine tests and an ultrasound. The tech, bless her, told us there was a strong heartbeat! We waited for the diagnosis, a sub-chorionic hemotoma. A small partial abruption. I was sent home and told to call the office for a follow up. basically, it would either heal or not, I would continue to bleed or not, I would miscarry or not. Only time would tell. The bleeding started letting up and I went back to work for a couple days, then the bleeding came back. We had another ultrasound, baby was fine and even waved at us! A bit more rest and then back to work. The bleeding was gone for nearly two weeks and then I started with brown spotting. This was on and off at various amounts for the next couple weeks and then at work one day I stood up for lunch and had a huge gush of dark red blood. I had to leave. I called my husband and then the doctor's office on the way home to change. They wanted to see me immediately. |
Another exam and ultrasound and the baby was fine. The SCH was so small that the tech had a hard time finding it. If I hadn't been bleeding she would not have even mentioned it it was so small. I was sent home and given strict instructions and restrictions. That was Easter weekend. After that I never really stopped bleeding. I had my 12 wk check up and was given an exam, cervix closed, baby's heartbeat good. The doctor I saw that day basically said he no longer considered me high risk and that he thought I was out of the risk of miscarriage!
But I still hadn't stopped bleeding. I started reading everything I could about SCH and bleeding on the internet and found a wonderful SCH support group forum. I devoured the stories - some bad but mostly good - of other women's experiences with SCH. At 14 to 15 weeks I started feeling my baby move. My husband even felt one strong push against me. It was very active and because of the bleeding I could feel EVERYTHING. Every time she moved it felt very uncomfortable. I read online that this was pretty common for SCH pregnancies. When I was 16 weeks I started passing large clots. I freaked out at first and then read up about it online. I had a |
particularly bad day and felt horrible and passed clots and very watery blood. I called my doctor's answering service and the doctor on call told me that if I wanted I could come in the next day and they would listen for the heartbeat, but each week I made it was a victory and that they wished I wasn't bleeding but couldn't do anything about it. I had a dopler at home to listen to the heartbeat so I didn't go in. Looking back, I think that is when my membranes ruptured.
We were waiting for my next ultrasound which would be with the Maternal Fetal Specialist. It would be my anatomical ultrasound and was at 18w3d. We were hoping to find out if it was a boy or girl. At our appointment that Monday we were crushed to discover that our baby had very little amniotic fluid around it. I was asked if I had had any gush of clear fluid. I hadn't. I didn't recall that weekend with the clots until later. I only could assume that it was masked with the bleeding I had been having. I had my regular check up at the doctor the following day and had blood drawn. We had to decide if we wanted to do in hospital iv antibiotics or just pills. There didn't seem to be any indication that one was better than the other. I had no symptoms of infection. |
We decided to just do pills. It took two days to get them due to them being sent to the wrong pharmacy. I went to work on Wednesday and Thursday, my husband drove me. I explained the situation to my co-workers and that I might not be able to work much and that if I made it another 4-5 weeks I would be in the hospital on bed rest. I started forcing myself to drink at least 84oz. of water a day, trying to increase my baby's urine output to get more fluid.
Thursday night I had a lot of pain and more clots. I called the on call doctor in the evening and then later and decided to get checked out. We went to the hospital to labor and delivery and had an ultrasound done, baby was fine and my cervix was closed. My blood work from Tuesday still wasn't back yet. Came back home and passed more clots and then the power went out. It was out from 4:30am to 8:30am. It was the most miserable night ever. I called my boss the next morning and said I was done working for the time being, going on bed rest. Friday my dad and sister stayed with me when my husband had to go out (he is a photographer who works from home). And then Saturday my mom stayed with me. We didn't want me to be alone in case anything happened. With the baby so small if I went into labor it could all happen very quickly. All three of them got to listen to the baby's heartbeat. |
Sunday morning at 4am I woke and had to pee. I couldn't get back to sleep as I was having mild aching. At 5 my husband and I moved to the living room. I laid in the recliner and watched some Netflix. At 7, after two episodes of Vampire Diaries, I decided it was time to call and get checked out. My pains were still mild but were becoming rhythmic. I still didn't think they were contractions. I just thought I'd get checked and sent back home.
My doctor was the one on call and she came in to see me. My baby's heartbeat was still good and strong. Nothing had changed. She was going to check for my blood results from Tuesday and had another draw done. The results weren't good. My hemoglobin level was at 6.2 and my white blood count was at 22,000. It had already been at 18,000 on Tuesday. I had an infection. To give you an idea, a normal woman's hemo level should be around 12, for pregnant women they allow 11 and up to 15,000 for white blood count. My doctor had already consulted my specialist who recommended delivery. They were both so sorry. It was Mother's Day. When we were alone, my husband and I cried and told the baby how much we loved it and that we would love it forever. I said if it was a girl I wanted to name her Hope, because this baby had given us so much hope. I agreed to deliver. I had promised my husband to do everything I could to keep our baby but I wouldn't risk my life. With this |
infection and my blood levels so low and my body already going into labor, there was nothing more I could do.
I was immediately hooked up for a transfusion. I had never had blood before. The plan was for me to receive two units and have another two on reserve in case I needed them after. After the two units they would give me something to dilate my cervix and start labor. After the second bag, when my doctor checked me I was already at 4-5 centimeters. The next two bags were ordered up with another two put on reserve. My parents and my youngest sister had come up to the hospital and my mom was giving me ice and helping me time contractions. I was given some iv pain meds and they pretty much wiped me out. I could still feel the contractions but they didn't hurt. They would start hurting again about 20-30 minutes before I could have my next dose (every 2 hours). During the third unit of blood and halfway through my third dose of meds I started coughing like I was going to vomit. My mom shooed my dad and sister from the room. She, my husband and the nurses were scurrying around to find something for me to puke in. I spit once into a bin and then I remember two hard contractions back to back and then my world contracted too, into a small circle focused on my baby. I remember mentally fighting with myself "to push or not to push" and then it released and the baby and |
placenta all came out at once and the pain was gone. More nurses and my doctor moving about me scooping up my baby and I heard a call for an amnio hook. The sac was tight around the baby. Then my doctor called out it's a girl. She told me she had managed to curl up into a ball. She had been stuck transverse across my abdomen with her feet against her head for the last couple weeks without any fluid but had managed to get into a ball for delivery.
They laid her across my chest and my mom baptized her. My Hope Ellen. She was beautiful. She was amazing. And she was born sleeping. Sometime between the ultrasound that morning and her delivery 11 hours later she had passed away. I was so thankful. I had thought I wanted to see her alive, but realized that would mean watching her suffer and watching her die. I couldn't have survived that. Anything for love. My dad and sister came back in and saw her and then my husbands parents came in and took a turn. They took a family picture for us. |
We kept her with us overnight. After a while we had the nurse take her for weight and measurement. We got foot and hand prints too. My mom and sister stayed to watch the Red Wings game with us. They won. I watched the sun rise the next morning, it streamed in through the windows and outlined her with a soft halo glow. She looked so peaceful. We spent the morning together as a family, just the three of us. We held her and took pictures. We wanted to remember every detail. We compared her features to ours and our relatives. She had my mom's lips and her nose was from my husband's family. Long limbs and long skinny fingers and big feet. The best was the smirk of a smile on her face. She fought so hard to stay with us. Anything for love.
We had a small service with our immediate families the following Saturday. My sister out of state listened by phone. My daughter is buried at the head of my plot. Next to my first husband. I know he'll watch over her. |
Hope's symbols are the butterfly and the rainbow. I sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" to her when I was pregnant. The first movie I saw in the theater while pregnant with her was "Oz The Great And Powerful".
So, now it is about three months since I had Hope. Next week I am having surgery to remove the polyp. I believe that has been my problem all along. I believe it caused my cycle issues and I believe it was a factor in all my losses. After the surgery I have to wait for my next period and then we get to start again. More progesterone, more supplements, and hopefully, this next time, a healthy baby. If you've read all of this, I give you credit. Thank you for reading my story. If you want to share yours, join the forum under "Sharing Hope". |