Three months ago today my daughter, Hope, was born. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago, or that my pregnancy was a dream. Other times it seems it was just yesterday I was waddling around, pregnant and scared for my baby. Time is a weird, wibbly wobbly thing.
My husband is a photographer and had been taking monthly "belly shots" for me. I was planning to do a book, culminating in the birth of our baby. Yesterday I looked at my pregnant pics for the first time. I look so happy in them, even the funny or miserable faced ones, and even though in most of them I felt awful. The last ones we took were around 16 weeks. We were going to do the next ones that day, instead I gave birth. It never occurred to me to have him take pics of my belly at the hospital before she came. We even had the camera with us. It was the only thing we grabbed on the way out the door – just in case. I really wish we had done them sooner. I only have my memories of my belly. Glimpses of myself in the bathroom mirror dressed in my red satin night shirt. I am pretty emotional right now. I have a uterine polyp that we believe has been causing complications regarding my not being able to carry. On Thursday I am having surgery to remove it. A hysteroscopy, d&c, and polypectomy. It's outpatient at the hospital, but I am nervous. I've never had surgery like that before. I've only had my wisdom teeth out with 4 extractions (while I had braces). But that was 20 years ago. The procedure itself isn't supposed to take long, but all told I will probably be at the hospital for around 5 hours. I'm thankful that my doctor, the same one that delivered Hope, is doing the surgery. I just want to get it over with so I can move on and get pregnant again. Hopefully next time with a healthy baby, healthy pregnancy where I don't have to spend months glued to the couch. I'm looking forward to trying to enjoy being pregnant and preparing for a child. Not having to worry and wonder if maybe, just maybe this time I'll have a take home baby at the end of my pregnancy. Maybe, just maybe, we'll make it all the way. Things I'm dealing with right now: 1. Hair loss. I heard from many people that it was supposed to stop or at least slow while pregnant. Mine didn't in the least. I heard afterwards lots of it falls out to make up for it. Well, it took nearly three months, but the last couple weeks I've been shedding like crazy! Guess I'm making up for lost time… 2. Weight gain. A few weeks ago my husband and I walked a 5k with some members of our support group. After that we decided to keep walking. We've been walking around 8 miles a week mostly in the mornings 5-6 days each week. On the days we don't walk we do an exercise routine. We also use our ab-lounge at least 3 days a week. Even with this added exercise I've been gaining weight. I have heard this is pretty common post baby and especially among those who are post baby sans the baby. Is anyone else dealing with these or other issues? Chime in below.
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I decided today to start a blog. Somewhere to put down my thoughts as I am healing and dealing with the grief of losing my daughter. Mostly for myself but also to help anyone else who needs to share their experience with infant loss.
At work there is a butterfly bush near the front door, right in front of my parking spot. It has been there for more than 5 years. In all that time I don't think I've ever actually seen a butterfly near this bush. Today, leaving work, I got into my car and there was a butterfly at the bush. As I started backing out it started following my car. Chasing me. Then it flew up by the building's roof. It made me smile. The butterfly is Hope's symbol. I think she is happy that I am sharing her story. |
Holly Crews
The mother of five angel babies, and one rainbow baby. I have had four miscarriages, an SCH (sub chorionic hemorrhage), pProm (pre-term premature rupture of membranes), and a pre-term still birth. Archives
October 2022
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