October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And today, October 15th, is the day devoted to recognizing and remembering those precious lives cut short far too soon. So for the last few weeks I've been collecting some information on keepsakes and remembrances for our little ones. I recently ordered some bracelets from the SOBB website. I found it on the Mom of an Angel Facebook page. They offer memorial bracelets (like the Livestrong ones) in Mom, Dad, Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Sister, Cousin, Godparent, and Friend of an Angel. I surprised my hubby with a Dad one and plan to give some as gifts for Christmas to the rest of the family and some friends. They have other items too and I ordered a" Mom of an Angel" vehicle window sticker. The Patchwork Bear takes your keepsake items (clothing, blankets etc.) and transforms them into a stuffed bear to remember your little one with. I am considering sending some things that remind me of Hope to have made into a bear to put in the nursery for a future child. I have nothing that she ever wore and the only thing she touched is a small bracelet. If I do, I will post about it. You can read more about it on the blog where I found it HERE or at their website by clicking the button below. I came across a neat list of things to do in remembrance of your angel. You can read the complete list HERE. The first one is "Mementos." I have several necklaces and some charms on my charm bracelet that remind me of Hope and I feel closer to her when I wear them. My husband and I also plan to do #3 which is to get a tattoo. I am trying to decide if I prefer the inside of my right wrist (always right with me in everything I do) or the top of my foot (walking with me every step of the way). Last Friday night I attended a close friend's bachelorette party. There was a chalkboard on the wall near the bathrooms and another friend had written on it. Later it dawned on me that I could "tag" Hope and leave a little mark of her existence like people do on the beach. It made me smile to leave that there. I think I am going to continue to "tag" her name and take photos and then it is like she is everywhere I have been. (It's #6 on the list above.) When I finish processing Hope's pictures I plan to make a photo book about my time with her. What are some things you have done or are planning to do in memory of your little angel? In other news... I FINALLY broke the weight barrier! I have lost a pound! The day after Hope's due date I had finally stopped gaining and actually lost a few ounces. The following weekend I had lost a full pound. I don't know if it is coincidence, or if there really is something to hormones and my body still thinking it was trying to prep for a baby. Also, had my thyroid retested and it came back the same as always, TSH a little low and T-4 normal.
Really busy trying to get the house in order for our annual Halloween party along with all the crazy busy happenings for weddings and our photography business. I am really excited that we have bamboo floor in the garage waiting to be installed in the nursery! It is going to be another month till we have time to install it. I've been having nightmares that it is the wrong color! I hope everyone is well and if you post your little one's name I will say a special prayer for him/her. To all you mommies of angels, I know what you are going through and would take it from you if I could. Hugs to you all!
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On August 30th I had my followup for my surgery. Everything is fine. No polyp. All my labs came back normal. Nothing to stop us from moving forward. I also said goodbye to my doctor. She was leaving the practice and moving to another state. I think she will miss us as much as we will miss her. She has been through all of my miscarriages and she delivered Hope. I know all of the doctors at the practice and will be OK seeing them, and trust everyone there to take care of me, but it's sad none-the-less.
I also that day finally called on some insurance questions I had about billing for my first postpartum appointment. Well, I finally heard back on Tuesday and we got everything straightened out, but not before I heard the worst phrase ever. That appointment wasn't a postpartum appointment. It was an appointment for my doctor to discuss my history as a "recurrent aborter." Even typing those words now makes me angry. When I heard them on Tuesday I almost started crying. What a horrible phrase. It makes it sound like I am a hussy who gets pregnant because of not taking precautions and then uses abortions for birth control. I know it is a medical term and diagnosis for someone who has repeated losses. I just think it plain sucks. I want to change this phrase. There is no reason for it to be used, no reason the word "loss" can't replace it. At the very least, no person in the medical profession, whether a nurse, doctor or just in billing, should EVER say it to a woman who has suffered multiple losses. It was a stab in my heart and in my gut. It was a major setback on my road to recovery. It brings back all the guilt I felt for the things I should have or could have done differently with my pregnancy with Hope. It makes me feel like it is my fault. My new mission is that no other woman out there ever be called a "recurrent aborter" ever again. Meanwhile, my weight has continued to creep upwards even as we are exercising and walking. I now weigh 10 lbs more than when I had Hope, almost 4 lbs more than my pre-pregnancy weight. I am trying to stay positive, but it is difficult to keep up with the walking and exercising when I see the scale keep climbing. On the other side, the walking is making a great improvement in my general health and stamina. I am jogging/running more and more and my pace for a mile is now down to around 14 minutes. I still get winded but it is getting better. My husband and I have been trying out different apps on our phone for tracking our walking both at the park and in the woods. I like the features of Runtastic, but it's GPS tracking isn't that accurate, especially in the woods. I've been using MapMyFitness which is more accurate, but doesn't have some of the features I like. Husband tried Enmodo but didn't like that one very well. Have any of you used GPS tracking apps or other fitness tracking devices? What do you like? Last bit... We are due to start trying to conceive again at the end of the month. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I can't wait to be pregnant again and hope and pray that this time it all goes well. At the same time I am terrified that there is some other reason for my losses. I have a hard time believing it was all just bad luck. Also, the timing is a bit strange for me. Hope's due date is approaching. October 4, 2013. I could possibly conceive before her due date. What's more, one of our best friends is getting married on that day and hubby is in the wedding and we are doing the pictures. I don't know whether I welcome the distraction or if I am going to be a total wreck that day. Probably a little of each. Hope to be able to update more often, but we are on overtime as the quarter started and I'm working around 50 hours a week. At the very least, I know I'll be posting around the 4th. <3 Three months ago today my daughter, Hope, was born. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago, or that my pregnancy was a dream. Other times it seems it was just yesterday I was waddling around, pregnant and scared for my baby. Time is a weird, wibbly wobbly thing.
My husband is a photographer and had been taking monthly "belly shots" for me. I was planning to do a book, culminating in the birth of our baby. Yesterday I looked at my pregnant pics for the first time. I look so happy in them, even the funny or miserable faced ones, and even though in most of them I felt awful. The last ones we took were around 16 weeks. We were going to do the next ones that day, instead I gave birth. It never occurred to me to have him take pics of my belly at the hospital before she came. We even had the camera with us. It was the only thing we grabbed on the way out the door – just in case. I really wish we had done them sooner. I only have my memories of my belly. Glimpses of myself in the bathroom mirror dressed in my red satin night shirt. I am pretty emotional right now. I have a uterine polyp that we believe has been causing complications regarding my not being able to carry. On Thursday I am having surgery to remove it. A hysteroscopy, d&c, and polypectomy. It's outpatient at the hospital, but I am nervous. I've never had surgery like that before. I've only had my wisdom teeth out with 4 extractions (while I had braces). But that was 20 years ago. The procedure itself isn't supposed to take long, but all told I will probably be at the hospital for around 5 hours. I'm thankful that my doctor, the same one that delivered Hope, is doing the surgery. I just want to get it over with so I can move on and get pregnant again. Hopefully next time with a healthy baby, healthy pregnancy where I don't have to spend months glued to the couch. I'm looking forward to trying to enjoy being pregnant and preparing for a child. Not having to worry and wonder if maybe, just maybe this time I'll have a take home baby at the end of my pregnancy. Maybe, just maybe, we'll make it all the way. Things I'm dealing with right now: 1. Hair loss. I heard from many people that it was supposed to stop or at least slow while pregnant. Mine didn't in the least. I heard afterwards lots of it falls out to make up for it. Well, it took nearly three months, but the last couple weeks I've been shedding like crazy! Guess I'm making up for lost time… 2. Weight gain. A few weeks ago my husband and I walked a 5k with some members of our support group. After that we decided to keep walking. We've been walking around 8 miles a week mostly in the mornings 5-6 days each week. On the days we don't walk we do an exercise routine. We also use our ab-lounge at least 3 days a week. Even with this added exercise I've been gaining weight. I have heard this is pretty common post baby and especially among those who are post baby sans the baby. Is anyone else dealing with these or other issues? Chime in below. I decided today to start a blog. Somewhere to put down my thoughts as I am healing and dealing with the grief of losing my daughter. Mostly for myself but also to help anyone else who needs to share their experience with infant loss.
At work there is a butterfly bush near the front door, right in front of my parking spot. It has been there for more than 5 years. In all that time I don't think I've ever actually seen a butterfly near this bush. Today, leaving work, I got into my car and there was a butterfly at the bush. As I started backing out it started following my car. Chasing me. Then it flew up by the building's roof. It made me smile. The butterfly is Hope's symbol. I think she is happy that I am sharing her story. |
Holly Crews
The mother of five angel babies, and one rainbow baby. I have had four miscarriages, an SCH (sub chorionic hemorrhage), pProm (pre-term premature rupture of membranes), and a pre-term still birth. Archives
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